"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 5 October 13,2007
Hillary Vows An End To Pirate Gang
move seen as Halloween ploy for law and order votes
In an unexpected turn of events, the notorious Plymouth gang of river pirates has become a focal point of the upcoming presidential election. Hillary Rodham Clinton ( the Stygion Witch) has vowed to rid the town of these cutthroats if elected president. Many see this as a transparent attempt to sway voters who are still angry at the loss of the Mayflower and the ransom attempt for Plymouth Rock. Some say that Hillary is well versed in extortion and other crimes going back to her involvement in
Whitewater. Some even speculate that these threats are actually given with a wink and a nod and that the gang is actually backing her in her presidential run, expecting to cut her in on their evil dealings once the election is over. There is some credence in this, given that Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick pardoned the gang just before purchasing a new Cadillac and several thousand dollars worth of office drapes.
Other Democrat contenders are incensed that Hillary would even bring up law and order issues, since it has always been a bread and butter item for Republicans and Democrats do not want it to become a critical issue in the 2008 election. "All it can do is make the Republicans look good. Rudy Guiliani will have a field day on this issue", said Barack Obama, "Law and order is what he does well and she should know that we'll all get hammered on that issue".
Meanwhile local politicians and police are skeptical that anything will change. " Where was Ted Kennedy and John Kerry while this gang was running rampant throughout the south shore?", said a local state rep who does not want to be identified for fear that his state house office will be moved to a broom closet. "Fat Boy was too busy keeping the windmills out of his line of sight from The Compound, and Liveshot Kerry was out on the Scaramouche all summer."
Hillary has possibly awakened the gang from a summer of debauchery, spending much of their time and money at Ernies Restaurant. But, much like a snake that has had its fill, slept it off, and reawakened again with a gnawing hunger, the gang may be ready for another rampage and we should all stay off the streets after dark and lock our doors and windows at night.
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 4 February 25,2007MAYFLOWER SUNK!
Suspects May Be the River Pirate Gang !!!
The citizens of Plymouth awoke this morning to find their beloved Mayflower II turned turtle in Plymouth Harbor. Officials of Plimoth Plantation are said to be beside themselves with grief. The crown jewel of the waterfront sank and rolled over after numerous holes were drilled in her hull, probably with 18 volt rechargable drills, a commonly used construction tool. Thus the speculation that the notorious Gifford gang of kayak river pir
ates are involved. The gang is well versed in sneak attacks such as this and seemingly immune to the law.
Town officials were jubulant just days ago, when Plymouth Rock was discovered hidden near the Gurnet Light after being stolen and held for $1,000,000 ransom by the pirate gang. The Rock had just been returned to its resting place near the Mayflower II. This is thought to have enraged the cutthroat gang, causing them to take revenge by sinking the Mayflower. They had been laying low with a group of slatternly women for some time awaiting payment of the ransom money. After The Rock was discovered, they were vulnerable to capture, but they somehow convinced Governor Deval Patrick to grant them all full pardons for their past crimes. In a suspicious turn of events, soon thereafter the governor paid cash for a new $60,000 Cadillac and $27,000 worth of drapes for his office.
Thus, even though they committed all manner of heinous crimes in the past and are suspected of this latest dreadful act, they are all still snug, drinking at Ernies and spending their ill-gotten gains. The law can't touch them: Bob Gifford, Tim Leandro, Bobby Nickerson, Gerry Cabral. The summer is coming! Be afraid.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 3 November19,2006
PIRATES STEAL ROCK!
THEY DID IT !! THEY REALLY DID IT!!!
They struck just before Thanksgiving when Plymouth is most vulnerable. Bob Gifford, Tim Leandro, Bobby Nickerson, Gerry Cabral, and other unknown misfits carried out their threat to hold Plymouth Rock hostage. In a brazen daylight raid that has left this town stunned, Plymouth Rock was taken without a single shot being fired. Having inside knowledge that the harbormaster boat was in for repairs and the Coast Guard was dealing with a nasty storm, the pirates swept in with armed kayaks and carried out their daring plan that had been previously revealed and thought to be inoperative. Plymouth Police believed initial reports to be a hoax and refused to dispatch a patrol to intercept the villains. The scoundrels have nailed a poster in Town Square demanding $1,000,000 in return for information on the location of The Rock. Knowing their original plan, Manomet Point has already been painstakingly searched and divers came up empty handed.
"This is a disaster", cried a local hotelier,"People expect The Rock to be there. They come from all over the country to see it." Local restaurants fear that when word gets out, tourists will not flock to Plymouth for the holiday. "Oh my God, I have two hundred turkeys ready for the oven", said one owner. "We'll just have to pay the ransom!" This has provoked bitter infighting among local businesses. Some don't wish to cave in to the pirate's demands. "Ah, pay them and be done with it", said Mike Pimental of Ernies, even though The Rock doesn't matter to him since the place is crammed with locals all the time. Some accuse him of being disingenuous, since the scoundrels hang out at Ernies and a good portion of the ransom would go straight to Mike's cash register.
The most amazing part is that they got away without a trace even though they were seen heading out to sea. A local bass fisherman snapped this picture off Plymouth Beach where they performed a classic rear guard withdrawal. This baffled some observers because none of them has had military training. It is thought that they have moved their hideout from the North River, since that was thoroughly searched inch by inch. Their cave was discovered, but not a trace of the vermin was found. Speculation is that they have relocated to a remote island and allied themselves with a group of female toughs who can provide protection (and sex for Gifford).
Reminiscent of a bygone era, citizens are forming vigilante groups to patrol the harbor and downtown area. "No mercy when we get the bastards!", said an anonymous spokesperson, "Gifford is the ringleader. He'll be the first to get the rope! But that Nickerson is a bad bastard, too! Remember when he went loony down on Washburn Island and bribed his way out of being charged? Not this time! Leandro and Cabral are just as bad, especially Leandro who is sworn to protect our parks. No, they're all goofy sons of bitches and they will pay for this!"
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 2 May 6,2006
RIVER PIRATES NOW THREATEN CHILDREN!!
Pristine Plymouth Harbor once again has erupted in violence. The same crew of rogues that threatened to ransom Plymouth Rock has turned to robbing kids in order to feed their various filthy habits.
This time, a well-known pirate reenactment for children was used to stage a raid on the unsuspecting little kids, who were carrying money their parents gave them for their lunch and some treats. The poor children were laughing and thought that the pirates were part of the act when they appeared in kayaks alongside the boat. The real pirates boarded and then all hell broke loose! Suddenly the kids were being grabbed up and shaken vigorously as loose change fell to the deck. The pirates grabbed the change and bolted over the side, taking one child hostage at gunpoint. He was later released unharmed. The gang is probably back in hiding in their burrows on the North River.
The leader of this bunch, Bob Gifford, is well known to Police and has been mentally unstable for several years. Gifford has a penchant for Irish whiskey and coffee. Doctors believe that this combination has killed several million brain cells and that he is now teetering on the brink of
complete derangement. "Bridgewater is holding a room for him, if they can ever catch the bastard!" says one irate parent, "Robbing babies! What next?".
Indeed. What next? This bunch has had free run of the waters off of our coast for several years now and they seem to be beyond the arm of the law. One problem is that there are so many of them and they drift in and out of the gang. Some have cover as law abiding citizens while others, like Gifford, are clones and it cannot be proven which clone did the crime. It will probably require a full raid on their hideout right after one or their escapades to catch them. Another chilling possibility is that a mob will form and launch an assault on Ernies. Several of the gang members are known to frequent the North Plymouth establishment and it is thought that
many of their plots are hatched over drinks there. Mike Pimental was seen checking his guns and ammunition there last week, probably in anticipation of an attack. "Mob violence is never the answer", says Mike, " But I'm ready for hardball."
Meanwhile, Gifford and his gang of misfits are cruising around the North River, frolicking with their women, and enjoying the good life.
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 1 April 23,2006
PLYMOUTH ROCK UNDER THREAT - PIRATES!!
Once again, Ernies Restaurant is in the news and this time it isn't about the Tuesday night mob cramming pizza in their mouths. According to a highly reliable source, a conversation was overheard that involves a diabolical plot to steal and ransom Plymouth Rock! According to the source, the scheme was proposed by none other than Bob Gifford, the notorious river pirate of yore, and quickly agreed to by Tim Leandreau and Bobby
Nickerson, both suspected of pirating at the mouth of the North River and in Duxbury Harbor. Nickerson also caused major problems on Washburn Island some time back. A third and possibly a fourth conspirator may also be involved. No names are yet available.
As unlikely as it might seem with the cast of characters involved, the scheme probably would have succeeded had it been carried out. The plan was to attack under cover of darkness on a moonless night. Several of the bandits riding in kayaks would converge on the Rock at low tide. After sawing through the bars on the seaward side of the Rock, they would dig down and attach powerful floatation devices around the rock and wait for high tide to lift it free. The key to success, however, was that Leandreau is a park ranger of sorts at the Rock and would be working the night of the heist. He would ensure that all lights were extinguished and roust any drunks who were hanging about (his friends, of course, excluded). They would then float the Rock to a position off of Manomet Point and sink it upside down, so that the 1620 would not show. The seals in the area would help with concealing the Rock by laying on it to sun themselves. When the ransom demands were met, the Rock's location would be revealed and the pirates would abscond with their loot. Some talk of Costa Rica was overheard.
The source said that the plot was revealed when the conspirators began squabbling over whether Gifford was a rat and would turn them all in for a reward before the ransom money was paid. As is usually the case with criminal types, these rogues come up a bit short on brain power. They are all said to be on the lam or in hiding in 'crawfish burrows' on the North River. Apparently they have constructed elaborate tunnels on the banks in several locations. They are said to keep their women there.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 4, Issue 1 May 20,2004
PLYMOUTH BARTENDER GOES BERSERK IN FALMOUTH
A bizarre story of apparent temporary insanity is unfolding here on Washburn Island. What started out innocently enough as a recreational kayaking trip for Plymouth bartender Bobby Nickerson has turned into a police action and a hair-raising experience for several campers on the island. Police have been able to piece together the sequence of events to the best of their knowledge, but some details remain sketchy at this time.
Apparently Nickerson packed enough provisions into his kayak for an extended stay and paddled to Washburn Island on Sunday. Friends described him as upbeat and looking forward to relaxing for a few days. Aft
er some time on the island, however, things went horribly wrong. Nickerson became delusional and disoriented, believing he'd been the victim of a shipwreck. In his mind he became Tom Hanks in Cast Away and began acting out the part. Several other campers were on the island at this time and tried to be friendly to Nickerson, but he would have none of it. Believing them to be intruders on his island, he began invading their campsites at night and scaring their children. He would swoop down on a site in the wee hours, bellowing and whooping, and all painted up like a wild man from Borneo. The campers were terrified and fled in their kayaks and canoes at daylight.
Soon
reports filtered in to police, who summoned the Coast Guard to investigate. When the Coast Guard arrived on scene, they found Nickerson brandishing a crudely made spear and staring down at them from his treetop fort. He was totally defiant and making rude gestures. He'd managed to fabricate an ingenious system of booby traps and escape routes in an amazingly short period of time. Efforts to coax him down were futile until he ran out of beer, at which time he surrendered peacefully and gradually returned to normal. A psychological evaluation showed that Nickerson is no longer a threat to society, so he has been released on his own recognizance. Charges of disturbing the peace and being a wild man from Borneo were being filed, but all witnesses have chosen not to press charges, so he will probably get off without a finding. Rumors of Nickerson buying rounds at the Falmouth BBC for potential witnesses have not been substantiated.
Note: Stringers Matt Pimental and Bob Gifford contributed to this story.
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 3, Issue 3 September 3,2003
BARTENDER VANISHES WITHOUT A TRACE
A local woman, who goes by the handle Katie (aka Katy), has inexpli
cably vanished from the scene at Ernie's Restaurant. No details of her disappearance are available, but there is some suspicion that she decided to skip out before the start of football season in order to avoid embarassing the men in the local football pool by winning a pile of money from them yet again this year. Last year the men were shocked by her success and started a smear campaign to discredit her. They began rumors that she had a male partner picking her teams. The fiesty blonde ignored them at the time, but the pressure may have finally gotten to her.
There are also some indications that Katie was interested in starting a new career. The photo at right was taken in happie
r times. Soon afterward, though, a totally new image emerged. She dreamed of quitting the hard life of a bartender and becoming a belly dancer. The photo on the left shows a totally different Katie (being egged on by a co-worker). Visions of a glamorous career may have lured her into a life in the seedy underbelly of the Plymouth night scene. Bachelor parties and smokers may have ensnared the young woman into a shaky life she had no intention of getting involved in.
Any information on her whereabouts should be reported to Ernies, where her last paycheck is being held for her.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
January 28, 2002
Volume 2, Issue 1
COWHER THROWS RED FLAG AT CBS
An enraged Bill Cowher, coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, has asked for a replay of yesterday's telecast of the AFC Championship game, which the Steelers lost 24-17 to the New England Patriots. Cowher, who could not keep the red flag in his pants yesterday, claims that CBS televised the wrong game.
"This was supposed to be a repeat of the last game we played against the Patriots, when we won 7-6",
claims Cowher,"We spent too much time preparing for the Super Bowl last week to be denied a win here!" Cowher wants the NFL to reschedule the game for Monday Night Football, where he says ABC would not make the mistake that CBS made in broadcasting the wrong game.
Pittsburgh players and fans agree. "What an outrage! This was not supposed to happen and CBS knew it! What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?"
cried one vendor, who is left with thousands of dollars in unsold and worthless Steelers merchandise with the AFC Championship logo on them. Several fans claim they were misled by CBS and plan to sue the network, waving useless Super Bowl tickets and airline flight coupons with non-cancellation clauses. " Those guys at CBS all picked the Steelers to win big! They didn't show a single Patriot in the playoff ads. We don't even know their names. And all the Steelers players have rooms in New Orleans and a lot of fans do too! Damn right we're angry
at CBS!" said a distraught fan, who looked like he'd been crying.
Most Steeler fans agreed that it was unfair to broadcast the game, given that, even with all the bad calls the referees made against the Patriots, they still beat the Steelers like a red headed mule. "CBS should admit they blew it and let ABC reschedule the game for tonight," wailed Cordell Stewart, the Pittsburgh quarterback who self-destructed with three interceptions and a fumble,"After all, we should have a chance to go to New Orleans. The Patriots have already been there twice."
ABC, of course, would leap at the chance to broadcast a game another network screwed up, but the NFL says there will be no replay because Cowher used all of his coaches challenges during the game. In spite of his close alliance with the brigands who passed for officials and were clearly intimidated by him, Cowher appears to have outsmarted himself.
PATS ON THEIR WAY
Meanwhile, the New England Patriots are on their way to New Orleans with their two pro bowl
quarterbacks and their band of disrepected, no-name players. According to published reports, Lawyer Milloy said in Pittsburgh the day before the game,"We are about to introduce ourselves." Ladies and gentlemen of Pittsburgh, I believe you have now met the AFC Champion New England Patriots Football Team. Go home now, suitably punished for your arrogance.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 2, Issue 3 March 13, 2002
FIGHT LOOMS OVER SCENTING BAN
Just when the flap over the smoking ban seems to have settled down, Plymouth now has another major bone of contention. Battle lines are being drawn for a tough, no holds barred fight over whether to ban perfumes and colognes in Plymouth restaurants and bars. Many people believe irate smokers are behind the push for a ban, but support seems to come from a wide spectrum of residents.
"It's nauseating!", according to Fran Campbell of Plymouth, "Women splash themselves with the most disgusting cheap perfumes and then come in and sit down next to you while you're eating! They reek! I just don't see how they think it makes them more attractive. You know, a tiny dab of perfume goes a long way, but these bimbos go out and buy stuff made in vats and then take a bath in it!"
"It's not just the women, either,"said Rob Morris, a local gadabout. "I sat next to a guy at a football game who must own stock in Chaps. Man, he really loaded up with the stuff! The only reason I didn't make a big deal out of it was that I was afraid he'd come to the next game without using any and he'd have wicked bad B.O.! You never know, especially with Pats fans."
That seems to be a common argument put forth by those against the ban. Certain people claim to be "aromatically challenged" and insist that it would be unfare to deny them the ability to mask their problem. Supporters of the ban respond that if necessary they would also outlaw B.O. Suggestions have been made that a compromise can be reached to allow the use of scents, but only if the smoking ban were lifted. That doesn't seem to have much chance of success, since it is a blatantly transparent attempt at a quid pro quo by the smoking clique. A more subtile approach would be to restrict the use of scents to the former smoking areas of restaurants. The theory is that the rooms would become so overcome with the smell of perfume that nobody would care about cigarette smoke and the smoking ban would be lifted.
Of course, as in the smoking ban, restaurants near the Kingston town line are against the scent ban, saying it will drive customers over the line. The difference in this case is that no Kingston restaurants want the new, but repulsive, customers.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
Volume 1, Issue 4 December 31, 2001
ILLEGAL SMOKING FLAP AT ERNIES
The smoking ban in Plymouth has driven many smokers to out of town locations for their customary pint and a few smokes. Not so for the Ernies crowd. Police responded after a tipster dropped a dime on the fact that a smoking den is located in the huge tree outside Ernies Restaurant. Several smokers were observed inside the treehouse, but they pulled up the ladder and taunted police with catcalls when confronted. "It's a standoff at this point", said a police spokesman, "We've tried talking to them, but they refuse to come down and demand that someone go over to the seven eleven and get them some butts."
We spoke with Mike Pimental of Ernies and he was quite candid in response to our questions. "This is what happens when people's rights are trampled on. I don't blame them for what they've done, but I had nothing to do with it. Hell, these guys are carpenters and electricians and God knows what else. They tapped into my electric lines and cable and I know they've got a heater and a TV up there. Keno, too! They come down for drinks and food, so it's OK with me."
Town Hall is in a snit about this situation and wants it resolved quickly to avoid unwanted publicity and national attention. They may try to arrest the smokers for cable theft, but Adelphia Cable is so screwed up, it might take years to verify that a theft actually took place. They may also try for zoning violations, but since the treehouse is only 8' x 8', that may also prove difficult.
Meanwhile, police have cordoned off the scene and are inclined to wait the culprits out. There is, however, speculation that they have another way in and out through the center of the tree and a secret tunnel.
When asked about this possibility, Pimental touched the side of his nose slyly and said, " This place has been in the family a long time. Anything is possible."
Identities of the ringleaders were withheld by police. The Troll will closely monitor the situation for late breaking developments and the identities of the perpetrators.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
Volume 1, Issue 3 November 23, 2001
LOCAL MEN SENT PACKING BY NORTHERN ALLIANCE
The trip to Afghanistan for two local men was abruptly curtailed when they were driven out at gunpoint by the Northern Alliance last week. Bobby Nickerson and Bob Gifford had left to join the fighting after being rejected by the US Army as unfit for duty.
The men apparently tried to hide the fact that they were deported from
Afghanistan, but were spotted last week tailgating at a New England Patriots football game. When confronted and asked why they had returned, they became evasive and denied that they were forcibly removed from the battle area. "We just want to take in a game and be left alone", said Nickerson, "You people are always trying to stir things up, just like with Bledsoe and Brady".
Gifford was also hostile and picked up a hot cooker top, waving it menacingly at the cameraman. "Get out of my face, you bastards!", he shouted, "Haven't we been through enough?"
At that point, it was pointed out by a bystander that the two men were observed with a large pot of lamb stew. "Ask them where they got the lamb", said one fellow tailgater, "They never had lamb before". Gifford and Nickerson glared at the other tailgaters and not a word was said from that point onward.
However, a call placed to the Northern Alliance brought out the truth.
"Those men are thieves and will lose their hands, should they ever return here" said an Alliance chieftain through an interpreter. "We catch them with the sheep three, four times and warn them, but they keep going back. Not good fighters anyway. Always they are drinking liquor and chasing sheep. We now are missing two lambs from flock. These men steal lambs to get back at us."
When we returned to the parking lot, to confront them with these accusations, they had fled. A nearby tailgater said they had packed up and driven off in a hurry. "I'm not sure, but I thought I saw something white and fluffy bouncing around in the back seat," he said.
Copyright © 2000-2006 Argyll Associates
Volume 1, Issue 2 November 3, 2001
LOCAL MEN OFF TO AFGHANISTAN
Two local men have decided to join the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan after being rebuffed for service by the U.S. Army. Bob Nickerson of Plymouth and Bob Gifford of Pembroke are incensed that they were passed up for service, but they persevered and are now fighting against the Taliban alongside their comrades in the Northern Alliance.
"The Army said we were too old and have too many ailments to qualify for service", said Nickerson, "I'd like
to see them dig 50 holes and put in 500 feet of post and rail in a week!" Mr. Nickerson has been laboring ferociously in order to get in shape for service.
Gifford was even more irate. "Just because I was wearing a neck brace a couple of weeks ago, they think I'm unfit! Everyone knows that was just a Workman's Comp scam. This is America!"
Since arriving in Afghanistan, the two men have managed to set up a bar in the rear area and have the Northern Alliance troops in an uproar over their continuous demands for Irish whiskey, coffee, and assorted brand liquors and premium British ales. "Hey, we're entitled to a few drinks aren't we?", said Nickerson. "We gave up our Patriots season tickets to come over to this hell hole."
Gifford agrees. "Look, I haven't had a shower since I left the states. The least we deserve is a little consideration. These people don't drink. They keep trying to give me hashish and opium. I don't do drugs. I drink!"
Gifford and Nickerson admit there is one benefit. "The fireworks are great. Every night we watch the bombers and fighters come in and clobber the Taliban." They smile as they raise their glasses to the night sky.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
Volume 1, Issue 1 February 7,2001
GIFF SUES BBC
Bob Gifford today announced a $1 million discrimination lawsuit against the BBC in Plymouth. He has also asked the court for a restraining order to force the BBC to provide coffee for his drink of choice (a cold Irish coffee). Additionally, the construction mogul is demanding Columbian coffee be used. This is regarded as a punitive measure against the BBC.
The long-suffering Mr. Gifford says he has had enough of being forced to drink Scotch, which he detests.
"Every goddamned Wednesday it's the same old story", says Giff.
"They serve everyone else what they want", he whined, "but in my case, they just don't care! What the hell do they need with fifty kinds of Scotch? Who the hell drinks Sheep Dip? All I ask for is a pot of coffee and I'm treated like pond scum. I've had it!"
The normally even-tempered Mr. Gifford is willing to drop the suit if the BBC will keep coffee on hand, especially on Wednesdays.
" But they'd better not try to pull a fast one and stop carrying Irish whiskey. That Scotch they have doesn't mix with anything!", he said.Ernies Also under Attack
In a related story, it seems that Mr. Gifford is also considering a lawsuit against Ernies.
"They are the real problem," he says," How can they expect to serve me Irish coffee six days a week and then just shut it off on Wednesdays? I didn't have this monkey on my back until after that first one in Ernies."
"I want Ernies to open up on Wednesdays. There's no reason that they should be closed. Why? To give Bobby a day off? Screw him! He didn't care when he was getting me hooked on this stuff! Ernies should admit they're at fault and bite the bullet and open up on Wednesdays."
Ernies spokesman, Mike Pimental, had no comment as usual.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
