"Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, An' they're a' deid!"
Volume 5, Issue 6 April 13,2008
New Evidence in Clam Beds Break-In
DNA and Photos May Lead to the Perpetrators
Detectives had been unable to make any progress in solving the Plymouth Clams Unlimited break-in last month, but a call from the clam breeding facility has uncovered troubling evidence and brought exclamations of shock from veteran police and clam breeders alike. Upon arrival at the facility, officers were ushered in to a research breeding clam bed and shown the gruesome evidence.
The bed contained newly hatched clams from a seeding started last month. Close inspection of the clams revealed tiny human heads protruding from the clam necks. The fully formed heads were spouting gibberish and mocking the detectives and breeders. One of the detectives thought he recognized a couple of the heads from mug shots, but wasn't positive. It is thought that DNA and photo examination may uncover more details.
Police are now of the opinion that the break-in was botched from the beginning. They are now considering that the target was actually the fertility clinic next door to the clam facility. One can only imagine what the gang intended in the fertility break-in. But the resulting cluman clones can only be taken as a sign that the population of Plymouth has dodged a bullet.
The breeders are in a moral quandary. The clumans belong to them, but since they exhibit some human characteristics, ownership may be perceived as a form of slavery. Another problem may be the fact that the clumans are not only surly, but demand to be placed in pots filled with wine or beer instead of water. One even went so far as to leave its shell and tried to impersonate a worm in a bottle of tequila. As it was crawling away, the others could be heard hollering "Diff, Diff!" or possibly 'Giff, Giff!".
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