November, 2006
On The Waterfront
Those chowder festival people sure left a mess down on the waterfront last year. Seems to me that they should clean up after themselves like they used to when Fran and Peggy ran it. What the hell are these people thinking? Someone has to clean up and it shouldn't be the parks people. If they don't clean up, run them off next year. And good riddance!
Politicians never care about the mess they leave. - Ed
Deval Who?
Where'd this Deval Patrick come from? Seems like he just appeared out of nowhere, don't it? Like an alien. One day he's working for Coke; the next day he's qualified to be governor. These moonbats in this state would, and probably will, elect an illegal as long as there's a (D) next to their name. What is wrong with this state?
Come on. You don't know? This state is here solely to provide comic relief for the rest of the country. - Ed
May, 2006
Rule of 8
I was just driving by that big place across from Arthurs Restaurant and noticed something sorta peculiar. Just about every window in that place has a satellite TV antenna hanging below it. Now, I'm an old feller, but it seems kinda funny that ALL these people have satellite TV. I was wondering if there's some place had a sale on satellite TV. I'd like to have it, being mostly a shut-in and all, but I can't afford it at the regular price. Would you know about that?
Can you say "section 8"? I'm sorry, Gramps, but satellite TV is not in the cards for you. You must be either a gimme girl or a 'temporary guest layabout' to qualify. Old Americans? Are you kidding? - Ed
March, 2006
Sticker Shock
They are looking at raising the fee for dump stickers again this year. For seniors like me, it would be $80 a year. That's a lot of money. I won't pay it! Old buggers like me can sleep all day if we want to. That means we can sneak out at night and put our trash in someone's dumpster or even just leave it in front of Town Hall. Long as we don't put nothin with our name in there, you know? So, go ahead, raise the fees! And I bet I'll find more bottles to cash in, too! Ha, Ha. Old guys rule!
Hmmm, the Board of Selectmen is mostly old bastards. Conspiracy? - Ed
April, 2004
Able Cable
My business associates and I are excited that Adelphia is looking for a buyer for their cable business. That must mean that the town is looking for a new cable operator to replace Adelphia. I'm your man. We have no experience in running a cable company and had our hands in the cooky jar of the last company we ran. Judging by the initial selection of Campbell Communications and then Adelphia as the cable providers for Plymouth, I figure we're a cinch to get the contract. Any idea who we should get in touch with?
We're not sure who the current town bagman is, but lay low for awhile and wait until the initial hubbub dies down. Then just spread a few shekels around on the waterfront and make it known what you're after. Someone is bound be in touch. - Ed
Self-Centered
The old geezers who raised hell about paying for schools are getting their payback. Town Meeting voted against spending $1 million on a refurbished senior center. Oh, the poor old bastards have problems with space and accessibility at their current center? How dreadful! Now they know how it feels to be rejected like our kids were! Good for Town Meeting! I hope the mean old buggers all go to hell!
I hope you don't own a boat. With no Senior Center, you know where they'll all be this summer. Yep. At the boat ramp making fun of all the poor geeks trying to back their boats into the water. This age warfare takes its toll on everyone. - Ed
Bellies The Truth
In reference to the missing bartender reported in the September 3, 2003 issue of the Troll Colony Memorial: Spurred by her remarkable success in the Ernie's 2002 football pool - and in an effort to prove once and for all that she had in fact been responsible for all the winning selections, Katy shed the remnants of her former life and headed West (not to east Carver) but to where the real action takes place - Vegas. Bound and determined to make a success of her gambling ability and in an effort to remain a positive roll model for her children she refinanced her house here in Plymouth and with the equity became a bookie. Unfortunately she quickly realized that there really wasn't much competition in the Ernie's pool and she was slightly out of her league. A few bad investments and one more short term marriage reduced her to resort to her one hidden talent - and her back-up plan - belly dancing. What better place than Las Vegas to realize this dream. Again she quickly realized the lack of competition in Plymouth set her up for failure. Struggling to compete with 20 year old dancers and 40 year olds with the means for all kinds of plastic surgery, including tummy tucks and boob jobs left Katy jobless, despondent and depressed. Luckily for her the always loyal Plymouth community welcomed her back with open arms and she is currently doing five shows weekly at Alberti & Associates - where despite the current rumors she is working behind a desk and not under it.
Well, good for her! Oh, uh, does this Alberti place charge a cover? - Ed
School Zone
The town voted against the school override? But, how can that be? This is a liberal town. Isn't it? Someone must have rigged the returns. What will happen now? Is the town doomed?
Not doomed any more now than before, Chicken Little. Have you made a purchase lately? Survived the (God help us) Dunkin Donuts in Manomet morning crew? Or how about the D'Angelos on Route 44? Or the McDonalds nearby? All happily employing the product of the Plymouth School system. Do you realize how much this has done to improve the cash flow of companies like NCR? Why, think of what it would be like if those old fashioned cash registers were still in use instead of the ones with the little pictures on them and the change amount-due displays. No, really! It could be a lot worse. - Ed
Émigrés
It seems like at lot of people leave Plymouth to live elsewhere lately. Is there something wrong with the town? I don't understand what's going on.
Don't be afraid. Only the losers and malcontents want to leave. Most of them are bitter, shrewish old women or angry young men who have been rejected by the nice girls of Plymouth. It is fortunate that they choose to leave on their own. In the past they were horsewhipped and driven out of town at gunpoint (or worse). - Ed
Sure We Will
If anyone finds my wallet around the information center on Route 3, please contact (name and New Jersey address deleted). We stopped there on the way to the cape and that's where I think I lost it.
Well, Sunshine, let's see. You're from New Jersey, you bypassed Plymouth except to take a leak, and you'd like us to help you find your wallet. That about right? Next time you pass the info center, take a good look at the totem pole. Remind you of anything? -Ed
Looking for Lodging
Can you recommend a good hotel in the Plymouth area? We'll be in town for a week this summer.
No. We live here. Why would we know about hotels? What are you implying? - Ed
Food for Thought
Why don't you do a food section? The newspaper has a food guy.
Lawsuits. From either irate restaurants we didn't like or someone stupid enough to try one of our recipes. - Ed
Rush to Justice
How do you get to be a judge in Massachusetts? I read where this judge just gives probation to rapists and other felons because he's worried about them being in prison. My brother's up on charges and I need to get a friend appointed before his case comes up. Any ideas?
OK, it's straight forward. You'll need all the cash you can get your hands on. A hundred large ought to do it. Get a bag man, preferably an aide to any committee chairman on Beacon Hill. Your timing is great. There's an election in a few months and, guess what, the clean elections law is out the window. Your brother is one lucky bastard! There are openings for superior court judges all over the commonwealth. There always are.... just in case a rush appointment is needed. - Ed
Fishy Rules
They're going to close down the entire North Atlantic fishery for all species; haddock, flounder, cod, pollack, everything! They say they'll be all gone if they don't close it down. That's what happened to the buffalo. That's what happened to the passenger pigeon. There used to be millions of them. All gone! Extinct! So...where will I get a nice piece of fish?
Don't be concerned, citizen. The rest of the world will still send their factory ships out and drag for everything on the bottom and seine for everything in between. The Russians have been doing it for decades. Someone will import your nice piece of fish. - Ed
Back to the Future
What this town needs is a bowling alley, a pool hall, and a malt shop. We could have bowling leagues like in the old days and every company would have a team. Wednesday nights are good because it breaks up the week. None of those wimpy candlepins, though! All the good kids would hang out at the malt shop and all the bad kids would hang out at the pool hall. The cops could just wait there to pick them up.
Well, we admit that your concept of Nirvana sounds fascinating. If the town could just attract the companies who would sponsor the bowling teams , you might just have something here. We also like the malt shop versus pool hall dichotomy. However, our view is that it would simply result in a preference for either the BBC or Sam Diegos at the early twenties stage of life. - Ed
The Legend of Rollo
I just noticed that Plymouth now has a whole bunch of new golf courses. Seems like they just sort of sprang up overnight, doesn't it? Well, anyway, my son Roland is thirteen now and places won't hire him for work because he's too young for a work permit. But the problem is that he's been expelled from school. Unjustly so, I might add! He only hit that girl once and she...uh, I'm under a gag order, so I'd better not say any more. I was just wondering if they would let a thirteen-year-old caddy at the golf courses around here. They could pick him up at the house around eleven after he gets up and bring him back after nine holes or so. He'd make about enough for his stash and a few packs of butts, wouldn't he? I'd really like to have him out of the house when his father gets up. They don't get along well, what with the beer being missing and all.
Well, by all means, little Rollo would fit right in with these upscale establishments for the leisure classes. We're sure they'd be happy to provide transportation to and from work for the little fellow as well. And it would be good for Rollo, too. After all, he'd have ample opportunity to shake down .. er, learn a trade at a pace that suits his tender years and skill level. - Ed
Ah Baloney
We visited Plymouth last week and I bought a couple of live lobsters from a seafood market. They said they packed them in ice and seaweed to last two days, but when we got them home they were dead less than two days after we bought them. We live in California. What should we do?
You were either misled or failed to listen properly. Lobsters will live two days in lobster time, which is eight hours in people time. Plant them under your corn and go have a nice abalone dinner. - Ed
Whole Lotta Sneakin Goin On
Hey, I just read that a town planner and one of the selectmen are 'looking into' the possibility of building a casino in the southwest section of town. Isn't that near the area where the Makepeace company wants to build a huge complex of golf courses and homes? Wow! I wouldn't want my house next to a casino. I wonder if they thought of that. Aren't they trying to stop them from building all those houses there because of the effect it would have on the schools, fire, and police requirements? The sneaky bastards! I'm proud of them. Damn, we finally have some good men running this town!
And don't forget the payoff and simpering plaque the Board of Selectmen gave to Native Americans after they assaulted police officers a couple of years back at Thanksgiving. Everyone thought they were saps, didn't they? Naw, they were just being sneaky. When you want to build a casino, you need an Indian tribe available to front for it. Who needs a mayor when we have sneaky board members of this caliber? This boondoggle should attract the attention of quite a few unsavory characters to our fine community! -Ed
Gambling On
lord knows, many of the visitors to
casinos are the senior citizens of our great land; and for the rest
of us in the middle age bracket; what a fabulous place to land our
next job; much better than being a bag person at victory or stop and
shop....
our generation may be required to work more into our ages than our predecessors;
and lo and behold;....what better place than a casino
bring it on, and please the minions who DO NOT controll the government
This CryOut! is a perfect example of what can happen when someone consumes copious quantities of alcohol and is allowed near a keyboard after midnight. Thanks to CASN. -Ed
We've had much more serious things to consider than local politics and humor since September 11, 2001. No CryOut's were posted for September or October.
Arrrr! Ahoy, Jimmy!
What is so damned great about going to a Jimmy Buffett concert? People are paying $100 or more to get a ticket to see this guy. They dress in crazy things with parrots all over them and wear shark hats and pirate stuff. They buy up all the Corona and tequila they can get their hands on and spread sand all over the parking lot. My kid has to go to a costume party and I couldn't find a pirate hat for him anywhere. I know they are in short supply because of those nitwit kayak pirates out raiding on the rivers and that guy who stages some kind of pirate cruise for kids in Plymouth, but, jeez, these people should get a grip! They act like a bunch of lemmings going over the cliff!
Our advice is that you send your kid to camp and come up with $100. See you at the Tweeter Center! - Ed
Eagle's Beach
What's more important, an eagle or a piping plover? You'd have to say the eagle, right? It's endangered and it's our national symbol. Hell, it's all over our money! Then why do the plovers get to take over Plymouth Beach, while the eagle is grabbed up on the north shore and taken away? Yeah, I know, he flew at some kids and scratched one or two of them, but, still, it should be the eagle's beach! You can't have it both ways. Either toss the plovers out or leave the eagle on his beach!
You must understand, Grasshopper. The eagle is a predator and would eat the plovers. This cannot be. - Ed
A Bird in Hand
My little boy was at the beach last month and he found a piping plover chick that had wandered from its nest. Being a little boy, he beat it to death with his pail to see what would happen. When I found out I was scared, so I buried it and told him to keep his mouth shut. Now I'm afraid he'll blurt something out and they'll find out about it. Will he be in trouble if they find out he did this? He's only four years old.
If he's right-handed, tell them that he's left-handed. It'll go easier on him if he has his good hand later on. - Ed
Menu Items
Pode você comer plovers tranqüilos? Provariam bons?
Sim, são edible. Se provam bons depende sobre se você é de Brasil ou de Portugal. Este é um sting, direita? Você é com o serviço dos peixes e dos animais selvagens. - Ed
Translation: Yes, piping plovers are edible. Whether they taste good depends on whether you are from Brazil or Portugal. This is a sting, right? You're with the Fish and Wildlife Service. - Ed
Lay Off Town Employess
So what if the town pays employees $200 for each drug test they pass? It's a proven fact that they drink and take drugs on the job.We have to test them or they'll kill someone and the town will get sued. If we didn't settle for the $200 payment, the union would have found another way to screw the town out of back pay or sued us and gotten more. Besides, I own a packie in town and they spend it all at my place.
The unselfish citizens of this town give cause to weep at times. - Ed
Rampant Rage
I'm tired of all those old bastards hanging around the boat ramp laughing at me when I put my boat in. Most of them will wind up blowing through a storefront some day and taking out a few people. Of course, they'll blame a stuck accelerator pedal. Yeah, right! How many of them could back up a trailer or, for that matter, even drive a pickup? Hell, they can't even step up into a four wheel drive cab without risking hip replacement! They are a public nuisance and should be confined to dog tracks and bingo parlors!
Who would pick up all the bottles and cans? Where would we get baggers for the supermarket? - Ed
Not Smiling
I've visited WalMart a lot and no one greets me at the door. All the geezers are talking to each other and their cronies. You know that ad they have on TV where the old redneck says if you don't have a smile on your face, he'll give you one of his? I'll bet he beats his wife. And speaking of smiles, I've never seen the smiley face bouncing around knocking down the prices. I'd like to see that. Come to think of it, I haven't even seen any price signs like that. Can't the town make them do what they show on TV? Like block the entrance or something?
Hmmm. You do pose a problem that should be addressed. Perhaps someone in the psychiatric center at Jordan Hospital could help. Why don't you pop down there and tell them about your observations. - Ed
Thar She Blows!
You know, I can help those people out on the ocean trying to save that whale with the rope caught in its jaw. They gave it enough drugs to kill an elephant and it just kept swimming along, right? Well, what they need to do is lob some dynamite out in front of it and stun it. That's what stun grenades do to people, right? Then they lasso it to hold it up, right? Then they just yank the rope out and hang around until it wakes up, right? Do I get a reward or something if they use my idea?
Maybe you should contact Woods Hole and see if there are any openings. - Ed
Wants Sex
Why are you scaring people? Are you people soft in the head? My son got on you web site somehow and now he's having nightmares about trolls and stuff. I can't block it because you don't have any sex stuff there. Please put some sex stuff on so I can block it.
Nope. Too bad. The little bugger will probably need Prozac in a year or so. - Ed
Esplanot!
What's happening to this country? The big Esplanard concert in Boston for the 4'th of July must have been run by a bunch of bleeding hearts. Oh, Debbie Reynolds was all right. She was a looker once. But that Cindy Lauper jumping all around the stage screaming was just a disgrace. And what about that Arlo Guthrie? Sure his old man wrote This Land is Your Land, but back in the thirties he was nothing but a commie! Did they tell you that? No!
What we didn't understand was why we had to watch Peter Jennings, a Canadian, sit there reading patriotic material. Surely there must be one American who could have done a passable job. And leave Woody Guthrie alone. If you're a union man you should know better. - Ed
Blue Southern Belle
Hello. We've just recently relocated to Plymouth from Savannah and I cannot understand all of the hard feelings and bitterness in this sweet town. Why, in Savannah we had grand parties and balls every month and the men just took such good care of things. I so wish things could be like that here in Plymouth. Sometimes I regret that my husband has been transferred here, but I shall try real hard to please him and I shan't cry.
Atta girl. Have another mint julip and toss The Stepford Wives into the VCR . You'll be fine. - Ed
Parking Peeve
Why is it that anytime I try to go downtown to spend my money I can't find a place to park? Is it because of that snot-nosed kid that opened that hip new restaurant not only fills parking spaces with his three cars, and one truck painted as some kind of 70's testosterone little bleep billboard, along with his two dumpsters that occupy former parking spaces in the Middle St. lot and also the self proclaimed (and self-painted) "no parking zone" by the rear door of his establishment? I hope not. But then again we can all dance to the music he BLASTS on outdoor speakers for all of us.
Hey! We like Jimmy Buffett! - Ed
Last Call
Please help me! I mistakenly mixed up my medication and took a triple dose of digitalis. My heart is going like the bejeebers! My address is 59 Hea...
Should have called 911. But then again, it's tough hanging up a good modem connection, isn't it? - Ed
Murder, She Wrote?
Well! There's something going on with a group of women in this town that scares me to death! I'm not one to spread rumors, but there are four or five women involved and they are up to no good. I see them all the time in restaurants. They act real sly and use secret words and clam up whenever anyone appears to be interested in their goings on. Let me tell you, someone better watch these women. I think they're planning to kill their husbands! And they drink like fish!
Nah. They're harmless. Well, they DO drink a lot, but they don't own any guns yet. - Ed
Cynical on Cedarville
I'm sure happy for the Cedarville crowd who whined about Home Depot until they put it way up route 3 on Long Pond Road. Now they are whimpering about how they don't want low income housing down there. Hey, what's the problem? Now you can load up your new neighbors and their trash and drive up to the transfer station together. Then you can hop over to Home Depot where you'll find that six foot high stockade fencing you decided you would need on the drive up. I hear they also have quality burglar alarms in stock. Look at the bright side. You're not that far from the canal, although it might be a challenge climbing the fencing on the bridge.
Can't we all just get along? - Ed
Plover Rage
Here we goddamn go again! The Piping bleeping Plovers are back squatting on the beach to have their little orgies and produce MORE Piping bleeping Plovers. Then next year there'll be MORE of them and so on until, finally, there'll be so many of them no one would want to use the beach anyway what with all the bird crap everywhere! I say we get a steamroller and mash them flat! Then let the foxes out there for Plover pancakes.
Let us know what time you commute to and from work, OK? Anyway, it won't work. They won't let the steamroller on the beach. No four wheel drive. - Ed
Nice Work If You Can Get It
OK, I know you said no pictures, but you gotta make an exception here. See, when a certain aspiring restaurateur was in training, he was sent to check out the firmness of the melons. Well, I guess he got the 'hang ' of it pretty quickly, judging by the gleam in those eyes. You don't have the stones to show this photo!
And I thought that baseball was his passion. Check out the mirror over her right shoulder for a good perspective. And, no, it isn't fake.- Ed
Where's Vinny and Tom
Anyone seen Vinny DeMacedo or Tom O'Brien around? They voted against funding the Clean Elections Law a couple of weeks ago and haven't been heard from since. I can understand O'Brien being missing, since Finneran probably sent him on a fact-finding trip to Tahiti as a reward, but Vinny's a Republican. Why would he go on the lam? Oh..... I guess I answered my own question.
Yeah, it's not because gas prices are up in Cedarville. Anyway, it's always a pleasure when I see that someone finally gets it. - Ed
Politically
Correct
So, you want a mayor. I predict that you'll get one, but it won't make any difference. The mayor will be either a lawyer or a realtor from Plymouth. The city council will be made up of the current crop of selectmen and a few other usual suspects. The newspaper publisher will be in bed with all of them. They will all get low real estate assessments and they will all grow rich in the end. When we get fed up, the current mayor will step down, but still be in the club. The new mayor will pretend to be on our side with whatever we are upset about, but ignore us after the election. Politicians always screw the people who elect them.
OK, but we will get a mayor, right?. - Ed
Stupid Rumors
You won't print this! I heard that your pals are going kayaking and camping and you won't go with them because they're gay. Well, if you can go to football games with them, what's the difference?
How do these rumors get started? - Ed
No Accounting for Taste
I
was sitting next to a guy at a bar and the bartender mixed some concoction
of brown powder, 1/2 and 1/2 cream, cold coffee, and Irish whiskey - Freakin
weird huh !!!
Trying to get free advertising, eh Mike? Anyway, no other place will serve it to him, so who's the weird one here? - Ed
Sick of Picture
Hey! You know that union guy? The one who runs the town employees union? Why do I got to see his face in the paper every week? You know the guy I mean? The one who said his union guys shouldn't vote for Vinny deMacedo cause he's against labor? I mean, give me a break! Why's the guy's picture in the paper every freakin week? Cause I'm just wondering, you know?
Maybe the paper is afraid their water will be shut off or something - Ed
Geezerizing
You don't know bleep! I been around since nineteen hundred and seventeen and I seen it all. There was the rope factory and there was the trolley. War came along sometime then and my friend old Joe couldn't go cause his left foot was both the same. I got in, though, I think. Saved your bacon! You couldn't find your ass with both hands! Gotta go. They're coming.
Still with us, eh? - Ed
Smoking Rage
All you nonsmokers are a bunch of bleeping bleeps! We're gonna fix you guys good! Don't even try to get near The Rock this summer. We'll be all around it and we'll all light up. You can't do a thing about it cause it's outside! Bunch of freakin wimps! "Oh, no, I don't want to sit in the huge smoke-free dining room. I want to ruin it for the smokers by insisting the whole place is mine." Well, screw all of you! And to all the European tourists, I say, " Welcome to Amerika's Hometown!".
Maybe you could stage a demonstration with the Native Americans this Thanksgiving. After all, they introduced Europeans to tobacco. - Ed
Cable News
Well, here it is Saturday night and once again my cable link is down! I can't get HBO. I can't get any news. I can't get bleeping bleep or any other bleep! And I had to use a modem to send you this e-mail! Who is in control here? I need my cable! If I don't have cable, I might have to talk to my wife. I haven't had to speak to her since I got my first cable connection. Goddamnit, get this straightened out or, by God, there's going to be a SERIOUS situation here at my house! Bleeping SERIOUS! You understand? Life and death! BYE!
Get a grip. - Ed
You Surely Don't Mean Me
Yes, I was wondering if the leash law applies to my dog. You see, we moved here from South Jersey, and it was legal to let your dog run around crapping on people's lawns and killing their cats or whatever. Well, it wouldn't be fair to my Mitzy to tie her up after she's gotten used to running loose, now, would it? People just don't think when they pass these stupid laws. And anyway, the cats run around. Why are they special?
Uh, they don't bark, they don't attack kids, and they kill rats and mice? OK, so they nail an occasional bird. South Jersey, eh? Figures. - Ed
Copyright
© 2000-2004 Argyll Associates
Last modified:
April 21, 2008